They say the past can teach us many things, learn from our past and move forward to a brighter future. I look back on my past in some regret, I let bullies run my life, my mind and my safe place. Being bullied everyday from as little as 6 years old to my adult age of 22 it’s been a hard road, the saddest part of all is it happened again, it happened continually for 6 months and it only took me from 50 days ago to finally snap. It started with me pinching my skin in the car, she would keep saying things to bring me down and allow my overthinking to run wild. I did it to distract myself from her words, it didn’t help; it made me think I deserved it. I hadn’t been eating, sleeping, having continual and very physical anxiety attacks, but worst of all this allowed me to distance myself from the people I love most, my Relater family, my blood family. I was terrified. It wasn’t until I heard some kind and uplifting words that did the opposite of what I wanted.

“Remember you don’t need me to tell you that you are enough and that you are worthy, you just are”

what started with tears of happiness allowed me to open the door to more dark thoughts, “but you aren’t enough”, “they won’t care if you weren’t here”, “don’t act like you are so special because you’re not” these little taunts got darker, it was like it was repeating over and over again, any logical feeling was replaced by bullied taunts in my head. The worst of it was that I was looking at my “You Are Enough” tattoo when I took my work keys to my arm. Did it make me feel better? No, but did it stop me thinking for even just a few minutes? Yes. After that it was just feelings of numbness. I knew by this point I wanted out, I needed a new start. I took yet another 2 weeks off from work, started walking everyday, journaling my thoughts and actually eating properly. I transferred jobs and already I feel so much better. Having people actually tell me how good I am at my job, saying how well I’ve fit in. I feel so welcome, so wanted.

People tell me now that they wished they loved themselves the way I do, but the truth is I don’t. After that day i completely despised myself, I am learning to love myself, and I am doing that by loving my friends, the people that mean most to me. No, I don’t love myself but I’m learning. I look now at the mark that was made out of self hatred, and look at a moth, Joel’s moth, the father that was there when mines couldn’t be especially during this time.

Life is an exhausting journey, with ups and downs that’ll make your head spin. Surround yourself with people that will make you feel happy, fill your soul & senses with music that’ll put a skip in your step and don’t forget to keep telling yourself that •You Are Enough• no matter how you feel you are and you always will be.